A Fine Day (2)

Good Morning! Your alarm woke you up at 8:15am. Your day starts [[fine.]] You are [[rested.]] You have [[eaten]] breakfast. You have [[showered]] and brushed your teeth.

You are [[walking]] to your 9am class. It's kinda humid outside. Ugh, why didn't you look at the weather before you left? You can feel yourself starting to sweat. What if your classmates [[notice?]]

You glance down at your phone and see it's 8:55 Forget walking, you are sprinting to your first class. Your phone nearly falls out of your pocket as you curse yourself. "You slept in again, you absolute walnut!" You always do this. Are you really going to be late [[again?!]]

Fuck, you forgot deodorant... They probably won't notice. They notice. Of course they noticed. They always notice. As you step into class, you know that you can't [[hide.]]

That's it, in and out. Deep breaths. You don't have to stay here. You professor doesn't even look like he wants to be here. This lecture hall is massive, ther is no way he is going to notice you slipping back out that door. You can miss one class. All of the slides are on BlackBoard. You've convinced yourself, if you stay here you will surely burst. ew... Don't visualize that. Just get [[out]] of there.

You are sprinting so hard your heart hurts You can't breathe Why can't you breathe?! Are you having a panic attack?! Shit shit shit... Not now, why now? Barely anything [[happened!]]

You want to hide. You [[feel]] so small. And sweaty... And stinky... And gross... Everyone else feels so big and judgemental. You just want to run away from everything. Should you [[run]] away?

You try to focus on something else. Anything else... Puppies Kittens The way play-doh feels when you squish it between your fingers. You start to feel better. No one is staring at you. Why would they be? They have their own shit to worry about. You just need to [[breathe.->breathe]]

Your legs make that decision for you. You're up and out before you've even sat down and are booking it back to the dorm. Shoving strolling students out of the way, you attempt to hide your face. You can feel the tears coming. You are powerless to stop them. Who are you to halt their progress? It feels like a necessity. You HAVE to cry. Your eyes are saying it needs to happen [[NOW!->FASTER!!!]]

You stayed up late last night. You are always either doing [[homework]] til 3am Or up watching [[YouTube]] all damn night. Why do you do this to yourself? You know it never ends well.

You woke up without an appetite again. You know you should eat something. Should you grab a [[granola bar?]] Or just get to [[class?]]

You didn't have the energy to care about your appearence today. It would take too long anyway. You were going to be [[late.]] Should you even [[go?]]

You procrastinated... You do this almost daily. Ya got it down to an art. Not everyone can be as productive in such a short period of time. When a professor says, *"You can't wait til the night before to do this."* You take that as a challenge. *"Just watch me!"* you exclaim. It's impressive really. ... Did you remember to [[submit]] it to Blackboard? Oh GOD DID YOU REALLY [[FORGET]] THAT?!

You feel lazy and sad. [[Nothing]] new... You are already a disappointment. You decide to [[skip]] class today. Not like you would have provided much to the conversation anyway.

You decide eating a little something is more important than making it exactly on time. You can hear your friend nagging in the back of your mind, "You'll get a [[headache]] if you don't eat!" She's right, like always. You know you are going to be a little [[late]] as you bolt out the door.

You go to class hungry. As the professor is waiting for someone to answer the question on the board, your stoamch growls... LOUD. You hear a couple girls [[giggle]] behind you. Your face is beet red.

You say 'Fuck it' and hop in the shower. The gunk and muck being washed down the drain makes you feel lighter. You imagine the soap can clean out the inside of your head too. It's a [[mess]] in there

What's the point? You wouldn't be able to keep up. You don't have the energy to care. You don't have the energy to [[get out of bed.]]

Yes, you remembered. You're fine. OMGF is that what a heart attack feels like?! Jesus Christ your chest hurts. You stress out way too easily... Take a minute to [[calm down.]]

Of course you forgot. You always forget. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN? You haven't slept in 2 days and for what?! You stayed up all night for [[NOTHING!!!]] AGAIN! WHEN WILL YOU FUCKING LEARN?!

You remember 'nothing' You are familiar with 'nothing' You can't stop thinking about 'nothing' Sometimes... you wonder where 'nothing' leads. What if you followed it... Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You've been having a [[rough time]] lately. You look at your syllabus and see there is only a lecture today. All the slides are online. You decide to take a day for [[yourself...]]

You don't need to rush, so you take a minte to sit and clear your head. You'll get to class on time and even if you are a few minutes late, no one will care. You're okay. You're fine. Like actually fine and not 'your friend asked if you were feeling sick when really you look like that cause you stayed up all night having anxiety attacks' fine. Just get through your classes. [[English composition]] and world history... easy, no sweat.

yOU YouRE yoooooUUUuuU NOTHING nothING NOTHING NothTHING YOU ARE LOSING CONTROL Why bother... This might as well happen You feel like you deserve it Whats the point of going, you can't contribute anything. You stop moving You don't want to move for awhile **you don't** Let's [[restart...->Good Morning]]

You don't want to burden anyone with your problems. You have kept them bottled up for a long time. You worry they will spill out when you [[don't]] want them to. You know they always [[do.]] You feel like you have no control.

You haven't thought about yourself in a loooong time. It makes you kind of uncomfortable. You don't like to think about things you hate. You don't want to [[spiral]] like this again...

You keep it all inside You have to You can't let them see You can't You can't You can't You ca- You Yo You see though Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You let it all out. Your eyes pour, watering the bags under them. It feels good to let it out. After a couple of hours, you decide to clean yourself up. Maybe you will meet a friend for dinner later. For now, just focus on what you can control. Work on a few assignments and do some laundry. It's gonna be okay. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You get up and look in the mirror. You don't understand how anyone could look at this and like what they see. You see past mistakes and regrets marring your skin. Flood gates are opening behind your eyes... You don't want to make the world look at this too so you crawl back in bed. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

Your friend is always looking out for you. You don't know what you did to deserve her, but you are damn [[glad]] you did it. You decide to call her after your first class lets out. You [[miss]] her.

You are late. You feel like everyone's eyes are on you as you make your way to your seat. They feel like they are boring holes into your skin. You [[scratch]] at your arm in an attempt to make the feeling go away.

Is she glad though? Does she know how much you depend on her? Oh God... Are you being [[too clingy?]] Is she trying to distance herself on purpose?

You get through your first class okay. You pull out your phone and dial her number. She doesn't pick up. Leave a voicemail? [[Yes]] [[No]]

You've always been too clingy; too [[needy.]] When are you gonna grow up? She doesn't want to hear from you, she would have reached out by now if she did... Stop being such a child!

You don't know what you need. Do you need help? No, you can handle this yourself. You know that's a [[lie...]]

You lie all the time "Yeah, I'm fine!" "I'm just a little tired" "Don't worry about me, just having a slow day." You know what that means. You bump into someone, "Oh sorry, are you okay?" How do you answer? [["Yes, sorry!"]] [["I don't know"]]

STOP LYING!!! STOP LYING TO EVERYONE STOP LYING TO YOURSELF STOP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED TO STRUGGLE ALONE STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOSPSSTOPOSPOTOTPSOTPSOOTPSOPTOPOSPTOOTPSOPTSTOPSOPOTPSPTPPSOSTSPTOSTSSPTOTPSTTPSOTSTPTOSTOPSSTOPTOTPSTODSPTOSPOPTOPOTOSPSSTOTOTPSPSTSTOP........................................................................... You want it all to just... stop. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

At least you are being honest. They give you a weird look as they walk away. You should [[get going.]] It's getting late. How did it get so late?

You don't feel good, but you don't feel bad either. What's left of the day goes by uneventfully. You aren't sure if that's a good thing or not. You thinks it's better than the alternative. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You leave a short message. You mention how much you miss her and that she makes you [[happy.]] You say you would like to hang out soon. You think it sounds kinda cheesy, but you are smiling now. Your next class goes well.

She obviously doesn't want to talk to you. Why would she? If you think about yourself like this, how do you think she sees you? You don't want to [[think]] about that...

She called back later that night. She says she misses you too and wants to go see a movie friday night. You talk for hours, the sun has nearly set. After you hang up, you start picking out what you are going to wear. Today was a good day. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

The feeling doesn't [[go away.]] You can't hear what the professor is saying. You are too focused on the itching. Your arm is covered in red marks.

The feeling stays with you for the rest of class. You manage to crawl back to the dorm before breaking down. You can't feel your arm anymore. Looks like you will be wearing long sleeves for awhile. You decide your day is over and go to bed at 4pm. Let's [[restart->Good Morning]]

You feel like everyone is laughing at you. You know this is irrational. Your mind doesn't seem to care for the rational. You can feel yourself [[spiraling.]]

After class ends, you hide in the nearest bathroom. You stay there until you can't hear anyone outside. You've been in there for hours. You are ready for this day to end. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You think about it. You don't want to think about her cutting you out. You can't handle the thought of her dumping you to the curb. You feel like [[you deserve it]] though.

You fight your way through the rest of your classes. Before heading up to your dorm, you buy a pint of ice cream. The rest of your night is spent sobbing into butter pecan. You don't see the missed messages from your friend. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You feel like you should get out of bed. You know you should. You need to get up. Do you get up? [[Yes.]] [[No.]]

You throw on some sweats and a hoodie. You shuffle to class and plop down, totally disinterested. You aren't paying attention. You professor asked you a question. You squeak out the first thing you think of... [[17]] [[Agatha Christie]]

You stare at the ceiling and realize that you haven't slept in in far too long. You can skip your first class. You curl up, arms wrapped around your pillow, and slip away. You [[wake up]] around 1pm.

That was nice. Your other two classes seem less daunting than they did earlier. You brush in some dry shampoo, pull on a hoodie, and saunter to class. You are playing [[September by Earth, Wind, and Fire]] through your headphones.

It's impossible to be upset when listening to disco. You find yourself Boogie Wonderland-ing from class to class. Before you know it, your day is done. That wasn't so bad. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

After your shower, you look around your room and realize what a pigsty it's become... You make a mental note to spruce the place up after class. Oh shit, CLASS!!! Hair still wet, you throw it into a ponytail and [[sprint]] out of the dorm.

You aren't going to make it. With seconds to spare, you slide into your seat breathing hard. You are getting a few strange stares, but hey, you made it. Your mind wanders during class. What are you thinking about? [[How gross your room is.]] [[Where you wanna go eat after this.]]

You can't stop picturing your gross ass room. How do you live like that? It's eating at you... Your growling stomach doesn't matter right now. You have to [[fix it.]]

You decide to treat yourself. You have been pretty good lately, you deserve some chicken nuggets! You meet up with your suitemate at ChikFilA after class. You run into your [[Ex]] there.

You can't focus on anything else all day. You need to put everything where it belongs. As soon as your last class lets out, you run for [[the dorm.]] You forget you were going to meet your suitemate for dinner.

You stay up well past any reasonable bedtime organizing. You can't sleep until everything is perfect. Nothing can be out of place. Eventually, you [[pass out]] on the floor while refolding the same blankets for the fourth time.

The next morning, you wake up to a sore back and blankets that have been folded wrong. You spend half the day tearing apart and re-doing everything you did yesterday. Your suitemate finds you around 5pm and has to literally pull you out of your room and to the dining hall to get you to eat. It takes you half an hour to calm down enough to actually take a bite. Your suitemate sits in your room with you after that and forces you to get some much needed sleep. You have nightmares about the clutter consuming you. You know you are going to wake up to your eyes carrying ten more bags... Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

They see you before you see them. They trot over and stand between you and [[your suitemate.]] You can feel your hands starting to shake. Your mind is [[running]] through all of your memories with them.

You lock eyes with your suitemate. She quickly thinks of an excuse, "OMFG, I left a candle burrning in the dorm!" It's not the best excuse, but you don't mind as she pulls you out the door and away from your past mistakes. [[Crisis averted]], you feel more like chinese today anyway.

"It's every girl for themselves," you think as you abruptly spin around and bounce out the door, leaving your suitemate alone. You keep running until you can't see Sub 1 anymore. Then you realize what you just did. [[Your suitemate]] is going to kill you.

The two of you get your food to go and take it back to the dorm. Your suitemate decides that y'all are gonna have a girls night. You spend your night buidling a pillow fort, eating chinese food, and catching up on Stranger Things. A much better date than they ever took you on. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You are waiting in the hall for her when she gets back to the dorm. She refuses to make eye contact with you. She continues to not make [[eye contact]] the next day. and the next...

You deserve this. You abandoned her. How could you? You don't leave your room for awhile. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

17, really??? YOU'RE AN ENGLISH MAJOR! YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN A MATH CLASS IN THREE YEARS! You aren't the only one that thinks you're a [[dumbass.]]

You glance down at the book on your desk and blurt out the author. The professor looks pleased as he writes the name on the board. The other students look as bored as ever. He repeats the question for another student who looks like they weren't paying attention. "You, give me another name of a famous author that was published under a pseudonym." Holy shit! You got [[lucky!]]

Just about everyone is cackling. The professor look quite unamused as he attempts to get attention back on the lesson. You are horrified. You gather your things and rush out of the room as fast as you can. Your breathing is erratic, your chest hurts... [[is it hot in here?]]

You have no clue how you did that, but the high you got from it carries you through the rest of the day. With your new found luck, you buy a scratcher from 7/11. You got 5 bucks! Sweet. If only everyday could be like this. Hopefully your new found luck will get you to bed before 2am for once. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You wake up at the campus clinic. The nurse explains that you hyperventalated and passed out in the lobby of Innovation Hall. You decide you have no choice but to drop out. Obviously, you can never show your face here again. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

Thank God you were smart enough to slip on your Heely's! You are straight cruisin' down the sidewalk in your 64's. With [[time]] to spare, you skid into class with style, snickering at your own stupid joke. This gets you a few weird looks but you are too proud of yourself to notice. You settle into your seat and prepare to be bored for the next 3 hours.

After about an hour, you glance at the clock. It's already 10! You've successfully made it through a full hour without falling asleep! A feat conquered by only the mighty few. However, you can feel your resolve weakening... Staring at the whiteboard that long has taken it's toll. It would be so easy to [[close]] those weary eyes, for just a sec. Just one sec... You just need to [[rest]] your eyes.

It's only for one second. You can handle one second. ... ... ....... .................. You couldn't handle one second. Startled, you jolt upwards in your seat causing the chair to scrraaaape across the old linoleum tiles. You can feel the [[professor's]] gaze on you.

NO! You can do this! Power through! This is your only class today, you can take a nap after. You may not have the energy to participate much, but you are going to be respectful and listen to the professor dammit! You search through your backpack for that half empty water bottle from yesterday and chug it with [[determination.]] POWER THROOOOUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!

...THAT'S NOT YOUR PROFESSOR!!!! WHAT TIME IS IT?! 11:30pm HOLY SHIT YOU DREAMT YOUR WAY INTO THE NEXT CLASS!!! As you gather your things, you apologize profusely and awkwardly shuffle out the door. Your face feels like it's on fire. At least that was your only class today, now you can just hide in your [[dorm]] for the rest of your life.

You zone out during the Heely glide back. Your humiliation is slightly covered up by the sound of soft chill of Zelda Lo-Fi jams in your ears. And then your mouth is full of grass. Your mind didn't register that tiny wheels and grass patches don't mix well, it was too swept up in the jams. Way to add [[insult]] to injury, God. You decide to walk barefoot the rest of the way.

Once you get to the dorm, you decide to take a loooong, hot shower. It's time to wash the whole damn day down the drain. You stay in there for over 45 minutes, whatta waste of water. As you step out, You feel [[drained]] and sluggish, you can barely make it back to your room. You're in no shape to interact with more people today, so you bypass going back out by making microwaved ramen and curling up on the floor for lunch/dinner. Is this the only meal you've had today? Yes, yes it is.

After you slurp down your sad excuse for a dinner, you fall asleep right there on the floor. You count your blessings that tomorrow is Friday. No classes, the start of your weekend. At least you don't have to wake up early. Or at all... You're gonna sleep all weekend aren't you... Yeah, yeah you are. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

*"Good job today class, I'll go ahead and let y'all out early. See you next week."* You did it! Gold star! You deserve... A NAP! When you get back to the dorm, you take a quick shower to cool off and set an alarm for [[5:30pm.]]

*"I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door"* Katrina and the Waves serenades you awake. Usually you hate being woken up but damn this song just makes you wanna jump around and dance like no one is watching. The shades are drawn... No one's watching... You crank your phone speakers up as loud as they can go and hop around like a drunken white girl on Halloween night for the [[remainder]] of the song.

Your suitemate can't help but overhear and pokes her head into your room. *"Wanna go drive around with the windows down and scream sing to de-stress with me?"* FUCK YEAH YOU DO! For the next 2 hours you two blast every emo middle school ballad you can think of through her tiny Ford Fiesta stereo. You haven't felt this good in a long time. *"Hey, can we do this again tomorrow?"* Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

As you sneak out, you can feel this weight being lifted. It's like all your muscles simultaneously relaxed. How long have you been tensing up? You could really use a day to [[take care]] of yourself. On your way back to your dorm, someone walks by holding a Panera bag. Damn that smells good... You pull out your phone and open GrubHub, you can afford it, you got them Mason Bucks.

Munching on your bread chunk, you fumble with your card and enter the dorm. You turn on your mood lighting or as others call it; Christmas lights you taped to the ceiling with scotch tape and sheer hope. You pull all your blankets and soft things onto the floor, make a nest, and plug in your laptop for a [[cozy night]] in.

As the Amy Poehler's cheery face fades out and the Parks and Rec theme starts up for yet another episode, you can feel your eyes getting heavy. What time is it? Jesus, does that say 1am? You don't bother cleaning up, that's a problem for future you. As soon as your head hits the pillow, you zonk out. This is one of the best days you've had in awhile. Unfortunately, tomorrow, it will be time to rejoin the real world. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You don't know when you got to the dorm. You don't remember swiping your keycard or crawling into bed. Everything hurts. Well, not so much physically painful as much as mentally sore. Why are you trying to analyze yourself? What's the point? Just go back to sleep. Nothing hurts there, in that temporary free trial of death. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

There was a short quiz in your history course... YOU NAILED IT! You feel pretty good about yourself actually. That feeling carries into composition. A large majority if this class is sitting and writing whatever prompt is on the board. [[*"What inspires you to write?"*]] Well that's rather broad...

What inspires you to write? That's kind of a tricky question... You could go with a simple, generic answer: [[nature or some shit]] Or you could go with the [[truth]]. What is your professor looking for though?

You go for the cop out answer. Just write some bullshit about the beauty of nature inspiring ink to flow or whatever and get the grade. You don't need the feels trip right now. An hour and fifteen pass, final class done. It's [[food time]] baby!

You go with the truthful answer. Why not? Might as well. Having a more impactful reason might get you some brownie points with the Prof, could be helpful down the line. You find yourself writing for far longer than those around you. Writing about how mental illness spurs you to express the changing moods and emotions so others can figure out what's going on earlier than you did. Writing about family and how your grandfather taught you to write. How he still influences your style long after his passing. Class flies by and you feel a strange [[nostalgic]] comfort around you.

You try texting your friends to see if they wanna meet up for food and get no reply. They are probably in class. But you know at least one of them doesn't even have class today... Are they ignoring you? Are they mad? Did you do something [[wrong?]]

This new found nostalgic mood stys with you for the rest of the day. You end up spending the quite a few hours calling up your parents. They seems surprised but happy to hear from you. You realize you don't call them much anymore. They sure have a LOT to tell you... When was the last time you called? As you listen to your mother go on about some fiasco at work, you make a mental note to try to call at least once every week or so. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

Your hed starts spinning with everything you could have done. Didn't you cut one off while they were talking a couple days ago? Oh and you forgot to get online with them last night. They were pestering you for days wondering when you were gonna play with them again. You said you would get on and you fucking forgot! That has to be it. Wow, whatta dunce. [[What the hell?!]] They probably think you hate them.

It's like high school all over again. None of them actually liked you to begin with, you were just convenient to have around. They grew out of you. It was bound to happen. The rest of your afternoon dissolves into hours of staring at the ceiling in between episodes of self-loathing. What a great way to start off your week... Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]